Parenting is one of the complex tasks every parent hopes to succeed in. For all social and educational development, the family and parenting style plays an important role.
Parenting attitude and style have a huge effect on children in who they become and what they achieve in life. It is considered an important determinant of several aspects of children's outcome. Parenting style is a psychological construct which represents standard strategies parents use in raising their children.
Different cultures and societies has different parenting style and attitudes. What I'm discussing today is Asian parenting. I grew up with Asian parents so I have sound knowledge on the type of parenting they follow. My views are strongly against Asian parenting and growing up with Asian parents I can tell you, oh boy, I've experienced it to the max. I will discuss it in more philosophical detail in the book I'm writing but for now here are just a collection of research and thoughts.
Asian parents exhibit the authoritarian parenting style. Authoritarian parenting suggests that children are expected to be submissive to their parents demands, while parents were expected to be strict, direct, and emotionally deattached. In comparison permissive parenting, like the name implies connotes less parental restricts or limits on the child. The implication of this is that children are expected to regulate their own activities. My favourite style is authoritative parenting, which entails clear and firm direction to children, however there is a moderation of discipline with warmth, reason, and flexibility.
Asian parents extolled the virtues of strictness, blunt criticism and unyielding insistence of academic perfection. Strict parenting and stellar academic achievement are common in Chinese immigrant families. These parents reacted emotionally to failure. Amy Chua, Yale Professor, describes this as the "tiger" approach tactic to raise children. She describes herself as "tiger mom" and explains the reason why Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful children is because the children are totally controlled. She doesn't let her kids do sleepovers, have play-dates, be in school plays, watch TV or mess with computer games. Her two daughters are also forbidden from choosing their own extracurricular activities. They must be the top students in every subject except gym and drama. They must bring home A's. Kids need to be relentlessly drilled to achieve. You get the idea of the hardcore, traditional Chinese approach to tough love. Think of all the fun things these parents denied their kids and replaced with thousands of hours of academic and musical drill.
What I'm discussing today is that in short, Asian parenting, although somewhat effective in Asian countries, does not work in western countries due to the huge disparate culture gap. Asian Australian parents who adhere to traditional Asian values utilize parenting behaviours that are incongruent with their children's level of acculturation known as the process of adaption to attitudes, values, and behaviors of the dominant culture of the host country.
Most Asian families have strong achievement orientation and their children internalizes these very high standards. Asian-style parenting leads to high-achieving children, however studies have shown that these children struggle more with depression, stress, and low self-esteem than their equally high-achieving counterparts, and the reason involves parenting style. For many students, pressures from parents and from within oneself can be enormous, leading to self-criticism, self-doubt, anxiety and ultimately depression and hopelessness. Even if they are doing well objectively, they might still feel like abject failures.
Asian students are not just working for themselves. Whether or not they understand this truth, their job is not to fulfill themselves as individuals in the Western sense. Instead, Asian children's foremost duty is to bring honor to their families. Children are seen as extensions of their parents, which is why so many Asian parents feel free to tell their children what major or career to pursue. In other words, a child’s job is to do what’s best for the group, to fulfill parents’ wishes, and to make one’s family proud. The thought of disappointing one’s family can be unbearable.
Unfortunately, such cultural differences can also make a child feel unseen and unloved: “Why are my parents pushing me to become a doctor, lawyer or engineer when I really want to be an architect or university lecturer? Don’t they care about what I want? Don’t they want me to be happy?”
Often, Asian parents don’t praise their children out of fear that they’ll become spoiled or complacent. Instead, they criticize or shame their children into obedience, or they compare them to others in an effort to motivate them. As the thinking goes, don’t praise the five A’s on the report card. Scold your child for the lone B so that he'll improve. Research has shown that Asian-children performed better academically because traditional Asian parents reinforce the value of 'filial piety" commonly known as unquestioning obedience to parents. This term originated from Confucian philosophy. The concept suggests that children should prioritize family obligations over personal interest. However research has shown that for acculturated children, parental behaviours may conflict with children's need for autonomy, a development strongly emphasized across child development institutions across the world.
I've seen the exact same thing between different dog owners. There are dog owners who scare their dogs into obedience and submission using punishment, neglect and abuse. These dogs are obedient because they fear their owner. While other dogs are obedient because they respect their owner. These owners, like myself, follow the philosophy of positive reinforcement rather than negative reinforcement. Unfortunately, my parents, much like typical Asian parents have feared my dog into submission while I was away on holidays for a month during one of my dog's most crucial developmental stages in life. As a result he's picked up bad habits which are extremely hard to change. I've been working on changing that around.
Asian parents are often stereotyped as pushy and uncaring, but this characterization is one-dimensional. There are many cultural reasons for the behaviors. In Western culture, parents often shower children with hugs, kisses and praise. In a traditional Asian family, parents show love in a traditional, nonverbal way. They care about education and work hard to give their children opportunities.
Just as many Asian parents are reluctant to verbally express love, many are also uncomfortable talking in-depth about emotional problems. Because Asian cultures value interpersonal harmony within the family, parents and children alike do not bring up problems in order to avoid conflict. Because many Asian families aren't practiced in talking about emotional issues, children often believe that it’s pointless to discuss problems with their parents.
What can we learn from this?
Asian parents need to find a middle ground. Not all Asian parents take the "tiger" approach in raising their children. Children in families who's parents take a strict "tiger" approach were more likely to be distressed while high-achieving Chinese-Australian high achievers with more flexible parents did just as well in school, but were happy too. Asian parent's are too demanding, controlling and manipulative. The authoritarian style of parenting is too highly involved, intense and hands on which undermines the children. Parents need to adjust their level of involvement and control as their child grows up. Parents should keep in mind how developmentally appropriate their involvement is and learn to adjust their parenting style when their children feel that they are hovering too closely.
What I'm hoping is for Asian parents to not submit to the browbeating parental values and immigrant culture. The problem is not having high expectations for your child, but instead, communicating those expectations with love and warmth. Parents should follow authoritative parenting, which emphasizes also high standards, but is accompanied by high levels of parental warmth and commitment to reason with children.
What we can draw from this is a philosophy of parenting tailored towards Asian's who grew up in Western culture. It involves combining the models of authoritative parenting with the positive aspects of Asian parenting such as focusing on effort and rules. This will be discussed in my book.
Sources: Baumrind, D., 1971, Current patterns of parental authority, Developmental Psychology Monographs, 4, 1–103.
Gwen, D., 2012, 'Traditional Chinese parenting: What research says about Chinese kids and why they succeed', Parenting Science.
Most Asian families have strong achievement orientation and their children internalizes these very high standards. Asian-style parenting leads to high-achieving children, however studies have shown that these children struggle more with depression, stress, and low self-esteem than their equally high-achieving counterparts, and the reason involves parenting style. For many students, pressures from parents and from within oneself can be enormous, leading to self-criticism, self-doubt, anxiety and ultimately depression and hopelessness. Even if they are doing well objectively, they might still feel like abject failures.
Asian students are not just working for themselves. Whether or not they understand this truth, their job is not to fulfill themselves as individuals in the Western sense. Instead, Asian children's foremost duty is to bring honor to their families. Children are seen as extensions of their parents, which is why so many Asian parents feel free to tell their children what major or career to pursue. In other words, a child’s job is to do what’s best for the group, to fulfill parents’ wishes, and to make one’s family proud. The thought of disappointing one’s family can be unbearable.
Unfortunately, such cultural differences can also make a child feel unseen and unloved: “Why are my parents pushing me to become a doctor, lawyer or engineer when I really want to be an architect or university lecturer? Don’t they care about what I want? Don’t they want me to be happy?”
Often, Asian parents don’t praise their children out of fear that they’ll become spoiled or complacent. Instead, they criticize or shame their children into obedience, or they compare them to others in an effort to motivate them. As the thinking goes, don’t praise the five A’s on the report card. Scold your child for the lone B so that he'll improve. Research has shown that Asian-children performed better academically because traditional Asian parents reinforce the value of 'filial piety" commonly known as unquestioning obedience to parents. This term originated from Confucian philosophy. The concept suggests that children should prioritize family obligations over personal interest. However research has shown that for acculturated children, parental behaviours may conflict with children's need for autonomy, a development strongly emphasized across child development institutions across the world.
I've seen the exact same thing between different dog owners. There are dog owners who scare their dogs into obedience and submission using punishment, neglect and abuse. These dogs are obedient because they fear their owner. While other dogs are obedient because they respect their owner. These owners, like myself, follow the philosophy of positive reinforcement rather than negative reinforcement. Unfortunately, my parents, much like typical Asian parents have feared my dog into submission while I was away on holidays for a month during one of my dog's most crucial developmental stages in life. As a result he's picked up bad habits which are extremely hard to change. I've been working on changing that around.
Asian parents are often stereotyped as pushy and uncaring, but this characterization is one-dimensional. There are many cultural reasons for the behaviors. In Western culture, parents often shower children with hugs, kisses and praise. In a traditional Asian family, parents show love in a traditional, nonverbal way. They care about education and work hard to give their children opportunities.
What is interesting is that research has shown that the agreement on parenting styles between parents and children was poor, as students perceived their parents as less authoritative, less permissive and more authoritarian than parents considered themselves. Scholars have attended that the authoritative parenting style would lead children to become autonomous, achievement-oriented, and self-controlled.
What positives can we draw from Asian parenting?
What negatives can we draw from Asian parenting?
What positives can we draw from Asian parenting?
- Studies have shown that adolescents who reported having more house rules of higher parental monitoring displayed the lowest levels of behavioral problems (drinking, illicit drug use, deviance, or misconduct at school).
- Parents emphasize effort rather than innate ability, as research has shown that people learn more when they believe that effort, not innate intelligence is the key to achievement
- Effort, and the belief that effort pays off is a key ingredient to Asian success.
What negatives can we draw from Asian parenting?
- Research has shown that Asians using authoritarian parenting is harmful to the children's self-esteem.
- Authoritarian parenting is a style of child-rearing that emphasizes high standards and tendency to control kids through shaming, the withdrawal of love, or other punishments
- Parents are extremely manipulative and controlling
- There is a lack of children's need and development for autonomy
- Their parenting style is linked with lower levels of self-control, more emotional problems, and lower academic performance
- Many Asians rebel as Western values teach independence and to fight for yourself which highlights the self-conflicting model of parenting between two cultures
- Does not foster creativity or divergent thinking
- Studies shown these children are linked to high levels of depression, decreased satisfaction with life and lower levels of perceived autonomy, competence and the ability to get along with people
What can we learn from this?
I find Asian parenting somewhat disturbing. I still remember hearing the cries of the kid being physically and verbally abused by their parents. This is wrong. What helps kids? To be allowed to choose for themselves, or to be pushed into achievements that will pay off later in life? Their motives are there but their methods are highly questionable.
Asian parents need to find a middle ground. Not all Asian parents take the "tiger" approach in raising their children. Children in families who's parents take a strict "tiger" approach were more likely to be distressed while high-achieving Chinese-Australian high achievers with more flexible parents did just as well in school, but were happy too. Asian parent's are too demanding, controlling and manipulative. The authoritarian style of parenting is too highly involved, intense and hands on which undermines the children. Parents need to adjust their level of involvement and control as their child grows up. Parents should keep in mind how developmentally appropriate their involvement is and learn to adjust their parenting style when their children feel that they are hovering too closely.
What I'm hoping is for Asian parents to not submit to the browbeating parental values and immigrant culture. The problem is not having high expectations for your child, but instead, communicating those expectations with love and warmth. Parents should follow authoritative parenting, which emphasizes also high standards, but is accompanied by high levels of parental warmth and commitment to reason with children.
What we can draw from this is a philosophy of parenting tailored towards Asian's who grew up in Western culture. It involves combining the models of authoritative parenting with the positive aspects of Asian parenting such as focusing on effort and rules. This will be discussed in my book.
Sources: Baumrind, D., 1971, Current patterns of parental authority, Developmental Psychology Monographs, 4, 1–103.
Darling, N., & Steinberg, L., 1993, Parenting style as context: An integrative model, Psychological Bulletin, 113, 487–496.
Gwen, D., 2012, 'Traditional Chinese parenting: What research says about Chinese kids and why they succeed', Parenting Science.
Kawamura, K. Y., Frost, R. O., & Harmatz, M. G, 2002, The relationship of perceived parenting styles to perfectionism, Personality and Individual Differences, 32, 317–327.
Kordi, A., 2010, 'Parenting Attitude and Style and Its Effect on Children's School Achievement', 'International Journal of Psychological Studies', 2, 217-222
Paul, A., 2011, 'Tiger Moms: Is Tough Parenting Really The Answer', Time Magazine.
Liu, B., 2011, 'Parents like Amy Chua are the reason why Asian-Americans like me are in therapy', Betty Ming Liu.
Papas, S., 2013, 'Tiger Mom & Her Critics Both Right, Study Find', Livescience.
Park, Y. S., Kim, B. S. K., Chiang, J., & M. Ju, C. 2010, Acculturation, enculturation, parental adherence to Asian cultural values, parenting styles, and family conflict among Asian American college students, Asian American Journal of Psychology, 1, 1, 67–79.
Park, Y. S., Kim, B. S. K., Chiang, J., & M. Ju, C. 2010, Acculturation, enculturation, parental adherence to Asian cultural values, parenting styles, and family conflict among Asian American college students, Asian American Journal of Psychology, 1, 1, 67–79.
Paul, A., 2011, 'Tiger Moms: Is Tough Parenting Really The Answer', Time Magazine.
Pong, S.L., Hao, L., & Gardner, E. 2005, The roles of parenting styles and social capital in the school performance of immigrant Asian and Hispanic adolescents, Social Science Quarterly, 86, 928–950.
Seal, K., 2010, 'Asian-American Parenting and Academic Success', Pacific Standard.
Seal, K., 2010, 'Asian-American Parenting and Academic Success', Pacific Standard.